Kids, by Andrew Galland
Honey, are you alright?
Can't sleep.
Are you feeling sick? Your heads not hot.
I'm fine. Go back to sleep Beth.
What's the matter?
Just thinking about some stuff.
Do you want a cup of tea or warm milk?
No honey, just go back to sleep. I'm fine.
More and more frequently John stayed awake at night.
He couldn't sleep. Too many things on his mind. It had been
two weeks since the topic of kids had come up, and he had been thinking
about it constantly since then. Beth seemed a bit annoyed when John
had brushed the topic aside, saying "Not for another few years honey."
She knew that's not what he meant, but she also knew that he needed some time
to think. Beth didn't think it would take this much time though.
For Beth it was a simple matter. All her life
she had looked forward to having kids. She had planned on getting
married at about 21 or 22 and having three kids before she was 30.
Well, she hadn't gotten married till 25, so she knew she was already behind
on her schedule. It seemed like such a basic thing to Beth that she
couldn't understand John's hesitation.
So as John sat up in bed all evening, unable to sleep, Beth lay beside
him, awake as well. She never let him know that she was awake, because
she knew it would upset him too much. Instead she kept her eyes closed
the whole time and thought quietly to herself.
Beth thought about all the times that she had pointed
to the cute babies as they were walking down the street. She thought
about saying goodbye to John in the mornings when she went to do volunteer
work at the local nursery school. But as hard as she could try,
she couldn't remember John's reaction to the babies or her talk of Joey
and Valarie at the nursery school. Of course he was interested in
what she was saying. John was interested in everything that Beth
said. But did he share her love for the kids?
For John this was the one moment that he had been dreading
since he had met Beth. He knew that she loved kids. He knew
that she wanted kids of her own. And he knew that she wanted them
soon. John had always known the topic would come up, but he always
thought he would know how he felt about it when the time came.
But now two weeks had gone by and he was no closer to
finding an answer. His mind wandered in circles, drifting over hundreds
of faces of beautiful babies and especially the children that Beth worked
with every day at the nursery school. They were all so cute and so
much fun. He thought about his neice Samantha and how he looked forward
to every time his brother would let him babysit her. But in the end,
he always realized that it wasn't a question of how much he loved children.
In the end his mind always drifted back to his fears
and worries. A child. A small living being that knew nothing
about this world except what he and Beth would teach it. Could he
handle the responsibility? He highly doubted it. What did he
know about raising a child. Sure, he could look after Samantha for
a day, even a weekend, but that was easy. What about having to take
care of and teach a child for every day of its young life? Teach
it sports and math and morals and every thing else.
True, he did have Beth. And Beth knew more about
children then he could ever hope to know, but was that enough. Could
he truly believe that she would teach him all he needed to know. There was
just too much on the line; more than he had had on the line when he went
for his new position at Sony Records Development, more than when he knelt
down on his knees, held up a small box with a ring inside and asked for
Beth to be his wife.
John had always thought that that was the greatest moment
in his life. When he saw Beth's lips ready to sound out "Yes"
he had almost fainted. The joy of knowing that he loved her just
as much as she loved him was almost too much to take; Yet this was even
greater. Having a child that had no choice as to its father.
Was stuck with what it got. Was that fair? Certainly not.
But that is how it is and always will be.
So in the end it came down to one final decision.
Could John handle the responsibility of being a father. Could he
trust himself to do as well as his father had done. He doubted his
ability, but Beth's faith in him meant a lot. And so too did his faith
in everything else about himself.
He leaned over to Beth.
Are you awake honey?
Yes dear, what is it?
I want to have a child with you.
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Created by Andrew Galland
agalland@mit.edu
Last updated: 4/7/97